Coming full circle.

KH 324PIN IT

It’s been exactly a year since this post, and this one too. The posts that first revealed the tumultuous breakdown of my marriage and the affair that I had just discovered. I still can’t read those posts.

Not yet. My feelings are still a little too fragile to rehash all that raw and primal pain.

It must be the time of year, but on Friday night I stood at another concert, with my sisters. A year after we had stood in the mosh pit, the night my husband left Australia. A whole year had passed… and here we were again. The three of us. Standing in front of one of my favourite artists, singing his songs, feeling the sting in my heart when the words that I’ve sung in my head (and in my shower) for so many years washed over me. Songs of love and heartache. Songs of laughter and tears. Songs of moving on and growing up and songs that reminded me of all the good and all the bad and all the sad… and… and… (if you happen to know Passenger personally, feel free to pass him my details… I’d like to have a beer or four with him).

And so we come full circle. A year later. We are getting ready for Christmas and I’m not the person I was 12 months ago. I’m still healing, but I’m no longer broken. I’m still hurt but no longer angry. I’m still lonely, but I no longer miss him. Time really does heal *most* wounds.

I began this year at rock bottom. I’ve been through some messy and difficult times, but I’ve never been as low as I was when 2013 began. I was hopeful. But I was at my lowest point. I had to build myself, my life, my future, from nothing. Rock bottom has become a very strong foundation on which to rebuild my life. Every bit I build, the stronger I become… because the foundation is no longer so damn precarious. I’ve written a lot about things that are important to me this year. About single parenthood and about separation. I’ve written about feminism and the politics of infidelity, and consumerism, and parenting. I’ve written about creativity and food and travel and love and life and everything in between. I’ve written my healing heart onto these pages and you’ve been there and for that, I have a whole lot of thanks, friends.

2012 was one of the hardest years of my life. My best (and heart-breakingly estranged) friend committed suicide in the small Indonesian village where we both lived, a few months later my husband had an affair that ended our marriage. It was the year of the breakdown of my heart. 2013 has been the year of healing. I have gone into hiding and I have lived a simple and soulful existence while my broken heart hid away from the world to lick it’s wounds and to try to learn to trust and love again.

2014 is going to be the year of glorious choice. There will be great changes both here on the blog and more so in every area of my life. I’m strong and I’m ready to face the world with an open trusting heart. I’m coming out of hiding. I’m coming out and up and I’ll be louder and bigger and brighter. No holding back.

For now though, my friends… I’m going to sign off for the rest of the year. I’m going to get out from behind my computer and look my life right in the eye. And I’m going to just exist. With my child and my family and my friends. I’m going to play.

I should probably worry about statistics and page reads and work and pay and… and… and…  all those blog things that matter but don’t matter if you know what I mean? But you know what I think about it? I think, fuck it. It really doesn’t matter nearly as much as everyone makes out it does… so…

I’m going to stare at the stars instead of the screen.

I’m going to drink beer and eat food and laugh and party and laugh and live without a care in the world because, we only get this time once. This summer is only going to happen once. This celebration of the end of the darkest years of my life, it only happens once… Bo will only be the person she is today for such a short time, and I want to see it all this summer.

So I’m not going to be around much for the next month or so. I won’t be active here or on my Twitter account. I wont be posting our final pictures in the 52 series and I wont be continuing the series next year. I’m not going to worry about sharing pictures of Christmas or the parties we go to or the food I prepare or writing posts or worrying about whether or not I’m writing pinnable content or whether or not I’m networking properly…I’m not going to worry about anything at all. I’m just going to enjoy everything this wonderful season of giving and loving has to offer. If you’re interested in knowing more about my views on this season, keep your eyes on Little Wolff over the coming days where a guest post from me will pop up in due course.

I’m done. I’m not writing anymore about life this year…

I’m just going to live it. With my eyes wide open.

And I’ll see you all in the new year. Merry Christmas friends. I hope it’s everything you wish it to be.

Brace yourself 2014… I’m coming at ya.

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  • December 17, 2013 - 6:08 am

    Peggy - Love it, LOVE IT! That switching off thing that many are afraid to do is the best thing for the soul, enjoy lovely.

    I’m glad I got to be a small part of your 2013, looking forward to seeing what 2014 has in store for you Sash. Big things no doubt.

    See you on the flip side gorgeous!ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 6:09 am

    Alicia - Well done, Sash! This is exactly what you should do. Have a rest! All that you have written here.. it really resonates with my thoughts of today and perhaps I have written a post today that you should read: http://postcardswithoutstamps.wordpress.com/2013/12/16/christmas-deadlines-and-a-crocodiles-tail/ If you don’t have time, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t matter that much. It’s Christmas and you should have a break from it all. Thank you for a wonderful year. You’ve been my guide and a friend though we don’t really know each other. Love. AliciaReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 6:14 am

    Mum - 🙂 xxooReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 7:20 am

    Joelle - Sending love. Have a wonderful Christmas with family. Miss you all heaps and looking forward to possible visits out your way in 2014. 2013 was a year of hard year for us so I too am looking forward to 2014. Thanks for inspiring me to take it on head on! Lots of love, xxxReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 7:48 am

    Nadine - Love how you view the world. I feel like im almost apart of it as im reading through your posts.ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 8:17 am

    Lila - Can’t wait to share your post it is absolutely beautiful! I plan on having it up Friday (as long as my technical issues are resolved before then). Thank you so much for it and all of your writing and openness. Hope you have a fabulous break!ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 8:32 am

    Michelle - Merry Christmas Sash and Bo – enjoy!ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 8:42 am

    Naomi @ (Not) Just A Mummy - Love this Sash. And what a year it has been for you! Have so enjoyed following it. I forsee a few final posts on my own site and then a glorious few weeks of nothingness.. Ahhh I can’t wait!ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 11:47 am

    Maggie - Have a great Christmas Sash, you and Bo truly deserve it, lots of love to you xxxxReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 11:51 am

    Veggie mama - All of that blog shit means nowt. I stop and freely don’t care. Get out there and kick life in the face xReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 12:25 pm

    Julie - 2014 the year of promise for many. Enjoy switching off and just ‘being”.ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 1:45 pm

    Keri - Have also stopped writing my blog to reconnect with friends, family and real life this season. It’s a welcome break and a great reminder that your blog is not your entire life.
    I loved this post – I wish you all the health and happiness for the coming year, and I look forward to reading about your choices and changes.
    Have a merry christmas and a happy new year.
    Kez xReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 1:49 pm

    Vicki - Beautiful Sash….I feel your pain, 2013 was certainly not my best year….I’ve promised myself I’m going to make 2014 better. Warmest wishes to you and Bo. xReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 3:11 pm

    Andrea - Whilst I can’t relate to the exact nature of the hardest year of your life and the recovery, I can fully relate to recovering from the hardest year of ones life. 2012 and 2013 have been the same for me, but for very different reasons. I too am only now feeling like I am flying again, to use a phrase from a movie…Í’ve got my groove back. And oh doesn’t it feel bloody brilliant! Suddenly I have faith again that doors will open and that the opportunities are out there, that the black cloud has lifted, dissipated and moved on, and that the pain that remains is bearable.

    Congratulations to you on getting through it. xxxx It’s all out there for you waiting! Go for it!ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 4:10 pm

    Cass Turner - Sash, I hope you and Bo have a wonderful Christmas and enjoy your time off together. Can’t wait to see the changes in the new year xxReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 4:58 pm

    Sarah - Yes, rest and live in the moment. Be with your girl, be with your family, be with yourself. May your holidays be peaceful and full of love…and plenty of cider!
    Take care, see ya on the flip side, Sash!

    Sar xxReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 5:47 pm

    Elena - Sash, I’ve always wanted to say a heartfelt thank you! Thank you for sharing your journey with us, the pain and the joy that surround us all and the uniqueness of it all.
    May 2014 be a bloody wonderful year for everyone!
    Big hugs! xxx
    PS: I love ‘Passenger’ too…I don’t know him personally but if you’re ever in UK, I’d love to go to one of his concerts together! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • December 17, 2013 - 8:15 pm

    Kathy - Sounds like a great plan and enjoying the summer with your daughter and friends is a great plan. I admire your resilience. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, AustraliaReplyCancel

  • December 19, 2013 - 4:02 am

    Zanni Louise - Beautiful honest post Sash. You have exactly the right approach my friend. I am so glad 2013 has been healing for you after the hardships of 2012. Sending you love and joy this festive season. xReplyCancel

  • December 20, 2013 - 2:26 pm

    erica @ expatria, baby - Enjoy your time away! You certainly deserve a break after the year you’ve had. Thanks for being a constant source of inspiration in my reader. All the best in the coming year.ReplyCancel

  • January 6, 2014 - 6:28 pm

    sarah - Happy New Year Sash, enjoy your time away from blogging. I feel good to have left mine behind…but I look forward to seeing what you get up to in 2014.
    Wishing you love and luck.
    Sarah and Stanley xReplyCancel

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