The week that was, is and will continue to be…


This week just gone was the hardest week of my life. There were revelations that rocked me to my very core. There were conversations that shattered me into a thousand sparkling pieces that I have been careful to sweep up and put in a soft cotton bag and tuck in a drawer – for careful reconstruction at a later date. Everything I ever imagined, everything I wanted. Everything I dreamed for has disappeared into a cloud of smoke and been washed away with tears and cider.

I will write about what has happened slowly and carefully over the next days, weeks, months, years, forever. But for now what I say must be carefully crafted. The shock that I am in, I must be careful not to let it cloud my judgement. The screaming and the guttural groans that pour from my body must be done in the privacy of my shower, when I am alone, when no one can hear me. In the moments I am not mother or daughter or friend or writer. In the moments when I am just me. For regardless of how public parts of my life are through this medium, there are always things that do not need to be shared. But then there are things that should be and will be shared. Because as much as this pain is mine, this experience, it is not mine alone.

When faced with losing something as enormous as your great love, when faced with the indescribable pain that comes with betrayal, some people turn to God. I am not religious, even though at times like this I wish that I was. I wish I had a higher power to guide me. But I do not. So instead I have turned to the highest power that I know. My humanity. And I have, and will continue to let my humanity guide my reactions, my words and my pain until the deep still sound of calm surrounds me once more.

How I handle myself in the face of such grief is so important. How I choose to talk about what has happened. How I care for myself and my beautiful, unknowing daughter will set the tone for the new path that I must forge toward our future happiness. Kindness to myself, to those around me and to my husband who I love regardless of his choices, is vital. Because without kindness, without humanity, what do we have?

In this time, this heart wrenching time, I am thankful for the strong women in my life. The women who come together to support and to nurture. The women who even though distance and time and space exist. Are on the other end of the phone. Talking. Helping me breathe. Helping my find answers. All you have to do is be true to yourself. My beautiful friend and doula-for-life (because lets face it, life is like labour in so many ways) told me. It’s that simple. Just be true to yourself. Then the answers will come easily. This is the easy part. The hard part comes next.

I am thankful for my mother who without her I don’t know where I would have been or how I would have been able to do what I had to do. For my sisters, who just love and hurt for me, their own hearts breaking with mine. For my beautiful 16 year old niece who has no words but has the softest, strongest hand for me to hold. For the women generations ahead of me who feel my pain in their own guts. Who know the loss. Who see me no longer as a child even though they first knew me as one. And for women all around Australia, most of whom I have never met, who have sent me messages of love and strength and solidarity. Reminding me that although I have never felt more alone in my life, although my pain is both private and genuinely unique, it is also universal and that on this wild and rocky ride that is life and love – we are never truly alone.

Respecting ourselves and being kind is the only place to start. Where we go from here? I have no idea. How we come back from here? I have no answers. All I have is tears and love and dreams and… and… and…



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  • December 9, 2012 - 9:42 pm

    Dylan - What happened?ReplyCancel

  • December 9, 2012 - 10:01 pm

    Sister Milk - I will keep saying it, just as Missy sings it; “Your heart is fierce…”

  • December 10, 2012 - 2:02 am

    stacey - The sun rises on New beginnings xxxReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 2:16 am

    Erica - I wrote this little clip from Eat, Pray, Love and tucked it into my wallet 5 years ago when my universe stopped. It’s still there, ratty and worn from reading it everytime my heart ached. It is the truth…..sending love back to you in those moments when you aren’t quite sure how you survived…
    “My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well-the future tree itself which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn forth into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the Oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.
    I think about the woman i have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about how much I’ve always wanted to be this person, and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was me – I mean this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the dock in this small Indonesian fishing boat-who pulled the other, younger, more confused and more struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already existing oak who was saying the whole time, “Yes-grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meeti me here, where I already exist in wholeness and maturity! I need you to grown into me!
    And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago over that young marriend sobbing girl on the bathroom floor, and maybe it was this me who whispered lovingly into that desparate girls ear, “Go back to bed Liz”m knowing already that everything would be okay, that everything would eventually bring us together here. Right here, right to this moment. Where I was always waiting in peace and contentment, always waiting for her to arrive and joing me.”ReplyCancel

    • December 10, 2012 - 4:36 am

      Melanie Byers - Erica, that is beautiful. As are you, Sash. This post is heartbreaking and yet written with such thought and respect for those around you and those who may one day read this (Bo) that it makes me admire you all the more. You are so much more than this moment. Live it, feel it, don’t hold back in what you must endure to get out the other side. But know that you, of all people, will and I know you will shine even brighter for its wisdom. Great love to you my faraway friend. xReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 3:29 am

    Bettina - And … And … Bo. thinking of you.ReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 3:32 am

    Megan @ The Boho Momma - Oh, Sash. It pains me so much to read this post, and my heart is aching for you. So much love to you and your family this weekend.ReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 3:37 am

    sarah - I can only guess what has happened from your tags. I’m sorry. Sending you and Bo love and kindness from far across the water xReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 4:04 am

    Lila Wolff - Lots of love being sent your way, I wish there was something that could pull that sting from under your skin, as I remember what it feels like.ReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 4:13 am

    Angela - I only just started following your blog a few days ago but your words speak volumes to me. You will get through this.ReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 7:06 am

    Z - I have been a silent follower of your blog for several months now and each time that I read one of your posts, I am so touched by your words. This post broke my heart and shot me right back to the moment when betrayal dropped the floor out from under me.
    There is darkness and there is unspeakable pain and confusion and it will last as long as it does and then…then one day there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. And it grows stronger every day and the darkness and the pain get a bit easier. And then there will come a day when you get to that light and the view is amazing because the world will be bright and shiny.
    I know that it doesn’t always help to hear that it will get better, but I want to say it anyway. Have faith in the knowledge that, on the other side of this pain, there will be a stronger and wiser you. Just like the above quote from Eat Pray Love talks about.
    But in the meantime, until you get there…know that we are sending thoughts of love and strength and peace to you and Bo.ReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 10:08 am

    Bek @ Justfordaisy - 🙁 Hugs to you xReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 12:08 pm

    Arna McDermott - You know we are all here for you in spirit, from far away. Erica’s quote was aching yet also hopeful for the future, as is your horrible piercing pain – let it escape and over the next few weeks, months, I hope that tightness in your heart eases. xReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 2:52 pm
  • December 10, 2012 - 3:57 pm

    Lauralee - Love and strength xReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 5:47 pm

    laluuu - Oh Sash, I have only recently became aware of (and started following) your blog however since reading I have come to realise you are one of the most honest and heartfelt writers I have come across.

    I am so so sorry you’re going through this heartbreaking experience and more than anything, I wish I could just give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

    All my best wishes, Luna. xReplyCancel

  • December 10, 2012 - 8:33 pm

    Rachel - I read your post (twice) and then I read the tags and my heart sank for you. Sending love to you and Bo. Keep surrounding yourself with your friends and family and the people who love you – they will hold you up until you are strong enough to do it yourself again xReplyCancel

  • December 12, 2012 - 11:11 am

    Amanda - I’ve been a reader of yours from the beginning. My heart hurts for you. Wishing you strength and comfort from the States.ReplyCancel

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