When things don’t change…

PIN ITWhen we were in Noosa, so was my husband. He was there realising one of his biggest dreams. Experiencing his holy grail. His big moment. This whole trip I had planned six months ago, so that we could make his dreams come true. Then things changed. He went back to Indonesia and I tried to pick up the broken pieces. It wasn’t hard for me to decide whether or not I wanted to still go. I had made plans and I wanted to keep them. I had new friends waiting for me there.

So Bo and I went.

My husband still got to go. Not on our dollar anymore but he was given sponsorship and gear and… and… his dream came true. He also had the chance to see us again. The great chance to make change. The great promises were made before the trip… promises of change. Promises of hope…

It had been three long months. Three months of tear filled phone calls and silent Skype dates. Three months of anger and excuses and forced conversation. Three months of promises. Three months apart. Three months since he had seen Bo and her gorgeous face in the flesh. Three months since he had broken my heart. Three months since the world as we I knew it, fell apart.

I expected things to change. I expected that the promises he had made, would be kept. I hoped that we would find peace and hope and a new way forward. I dreamed big for us too. I expected him to be waiting on the doorstep when we arrived with apologies and heart felt words and gestures of love and light and arms open.

He wasn’t there.

Sometimes, things just don’t change. As much as you hope and you dream and you wish and you scream into your pillow… sometimes, things don’t change. You can fight until your heart is tired… and that doesn’t guarantee that things will change. Not when relationships are on the line. For a relationship to work there has to be TWO people fighting. One can’t fight enough for two. No matter how hard one tries.

When he did finally see us, my heart broke all over again. Love doesn’t disappear. Even with anger and betrayal and pain, real love doesn’t dissipate the way I thought it might. I wanted to reach out and touch him, through my anger, through my disappointment. But I sat on my hands. At our first cautious meeting, Bo was withdrawn, confused, almost ambivalent. But a few days later I watched as my daughter reached out for her father for the first time in months. I watched as she held his hand and talked into his eyes. I stood in a park and listened as he made excuses, and I felt my heart break.

For her. For me. For him.

Shattered. Lost. Broken.

I heard his words wash over me. The words of a man who doesn’t know what he wants. The promise of change. The insistence of just another one-more-chance.Β  I heard his words and I saw the lack of action and I felt defeated.

I watched as Bo befriended one of the dads we were staying with. How she played for his attention. How she wanted to hold his hand and sit on his lap. How she wanted to be near to him. And I felt like I had been run over by a truck. My whole body deflated by the love and the loss and the incredible injustice of it all. I watched her love him and I realised something that I know I’m going to experience over and over again…

No matter how hard I try, no matter how good I am for her or how much I sacrifice for her happiness or how much I give to her and love her and LOVE her and LOVE LOVE LOVE her. I will never be enough. She will always, always be missing something. There will always be a hole in her life. A hole shaped like her father… and it is utterly, completely, and unbearably devastating.

I said goodbye to him the morning that we left. He said goodbye to his daughter. I don’t know when we will ever be in the same place again. My guess is it will be a very long time. He said the words he has said so many times before, I’ll try, I’ll try. And then he walked away. I went and sunk my hands into a steaming sink full of dishes, tears in my eyes and my heart in my throat. My daughter on my back. And I cried silent tears for all three of us. And I washed dishes, because there wasn’t anything left to do.

Even when you need to fall apart. Even when the world is ending and the sky is falling and your heart is ripping in two… you just keep moving… because the only way out is through.

Sometimes, things don’t change.

Until they do… But until then?

The only way out is through…


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  • March 21, 2013 - 5:48 am

    Julie - My daughter is almost 21 and sometimes I still feel as if she is chasing her Dad’s love. He only moved a couple of suburbs away. At first he would see her every second week-end, then once a month, then then well the silence got longer and longer. He got married had other children, made a family. My heart broke because she was never included in this other family. Even now years later, he still forgets his first child, last year for Christmas he said he could not afford a gift for her as he has three children to support. I answered, “you have four children”.

    When Tamika was a could of months old I stopped hoping for change. 20 years on I hope that it was better to grow up with a mother who adored her, then with a father who had no time for her.


  • March 21, 2013 - 6:03 am

    Erica - Baby, you’re the one who’s changed.
    You never needed him to. This isn’t his life (world), it’s yours.
    Can’t you just feel the heartbeat as you type the words? You’ve tapped into your own intuition in a way that no one could ever teach you.
    It is the same as a death, so allow the greif in however it forms and protect the love story that breathed new life into you.
    Broken wide open, so that the Universe can pour all of its wisdom into you.
    The next time you replay these memories in your mindseye, watch the most important person in the video – your self. What are YOU doing in those moments, what are you thinking, feeling, learning.
    As for Bo, she has her own journey to create and live and learn…..she will be fine.
    The story of how our beginning was created shapes us just as much as all of our actions combined.
    With a mother like you, growing everyday with LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it is the best thing you could ever do for your daughter.
    Knowing you are loved and being able to love yourself is what will make that father sized hole her opportunity to be loved by another, and not a vulnerability.
    That and growing up with a wide open woman as her role model.
    She is blessed.
    Lifting you up in light and love.

  • March 21, 2013 - 6:19 am

    Alisha - I read this post with years in my eyes. I am going through a similar experience at the moment. I seperated from my partner 6 months ago. She is 20months and every time she visits him, she is wary and distant. I few hours later and her love for her dad comes pouring out of her little body. When we leave she spends the next day saying ‘where dadda’. My heart breaks over and over for her.ReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 7:07 am

    lecinda - my heart is breaking for you and Bo, I can’t even imagine the depth of your devastation. You are moving on, and every single day you keep putting one foot in front of the other is one day closer to the time where it hurts a little bit less. Thinking of you both xoReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 7:12 am

    Jess - I had tears running down my face as I read this. You sound like an incredible Mother, and I hope you and Bo find solace soon. xxReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 8:47 am

    Lila - Family isn’t always the ones that are blood. It will take time but when you’ve demanded that you get what is good enough for you the right person/people will come in to your lives and fill that space and provide the role model Bo deserves.
    As unfair as it is it’s important that Bo grows up knowing she is better without someone if they aren’t truly thrilled to be present in her life, you both deserve people who know what a gift you are to have in their lives.ReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 10:13 am

    Arna - awww, hon.. tears. and then some. xxxReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 12:20 pm

    Dora - i have a friend , her daughter has nine years,
    she had a story like your story,
    you can write with her
    the tears and joy are universals

    i dont know what to say, i felt your history so near to me
    but mi instinct says that he is lost… and he need Bo,
    you have a chance to be a powerfull and beautifull human being

    sorry for my englishReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 1:22 pm

    aims__love - i know it’s not your intention from this post – but my heart aches for you & Bo.
    YOU are an amazing mother; who will more than make up for the absent father-figure (right now, or for however long).
    love, light & hugs from across the ditch.ReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 3:29 pm

    sarah - You are a great mama. And yes of course Bo needs a male figure in her life. But that is not to say it has to be just ONE – it can be many…other family, friends, Bo’s friends Dad’s, it doesn’t just have to be the one male figure, her father. Especially if he is going to be distant. Far better to fill her life up with you and all the love you have than disappointment….

    Thinking of you xxxReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 4:39 pm

    Kristy - Your writing just blows me away more each time I read. I’m from Melbourne and found your blog a couple of weeks ago, and now I’m hooked. You have an amazing way with words and I feel lucky to be able to read along with you. Your story is heart breaking, Bo is luckcy to have such a strong mother, who loves her so much. A mother that would do anything for her. I hope you find the strength to keep moving forward, I’ll keep you in my thoughts


  • March 21, 2013 - 5:22 pm

    aussiemor - Sending you big virtual hugs.

    My parents got divorced when I started in primary school and it was brutal then but as you’ve said you get to a point where you pull through. I look back now and I’m so happy it happened! My Mum became an amazing woman because of it and I’m so glad I didn’t grow up with Dad around all the time during my childhood because I reckon it would have been way too much negativity for me.

    Bo will surprise you (as she constantly does) don’t feel bad that her Dad won’t be around, he should not you. Bo will thrive with a mother like you and become an amazing young lady. Strong mothers are THE BEST! You can give her everything she needs, I’m not taking a negative Dad stance but there are lots of children with only one parent who turn out great, it’s about the love surrounding them, that’s the most important thing. xoxoReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 7:31 pm

    Rachel - I have no real words for you. It must be hard and gut wrenching. Just know, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. You are such an awesome mum to Bo. She will be such an awesome woman one day.ReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 8:24 pm

    Triana - My heart breaks for you and your Bo.
    And to see that she is being effected by this at such a young age already.
    I know it isn’t much but I just want you to know that there is a heart halfway across the globe from you that aches for you and hopes for a brighter day.
    With tears in my eyes, I can’t help but think so highly of you for handling yourself so well in the face of all this pain. As your readers we get only a glimpse of what your world is, but she is growing up beautifully and I think a lot of us can see all your positive influence shine through her.

    No one will ever know the right way to go about these things. Time will help.ReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 10:32 pm

    Panna - Dear Sash, this has been my go-to song in turbulent times. I hope it helps you too to soothe your aching heart a bit. Love to you and your gorgeous little girl.

    Someone falls to pieces sleeping all alone
    Someone kills the pain
    Spinning in the silence she finally drifts away
    Someone gets excited in a chapel yard and catches a bouquet
    Another lays a dozen white roses on a grave

    And to be yourself is all that you can do

    Someone finds salvation in everyone another only pain
    Someone tries to hide himself down inside himself he prays
    Someone swears his true love until the end of time
    Another runs away
    Separate or united healthy or insane

    And to be yourself is all that you can do

    Even when you’ve paid enough been put upon or been held up
    With every single memory of the good or bad, faces of luck
    Don’t lose any sleep tonight I’m sure everything will end up alright
    You may win or lose

    But to be yourself is all that you can doReplyCancel

  • March 21, 2013 - 10:44 pm

    ealferez - You are an amazing Momma.
    Reading this made me choke up, gah, so hard to swallow right now.
    You are doing more for Bo, even on your own, than you give yourself credit for!ReplyCancel

  • March 22, 2013 - 12:05 am

    Rhea Jane - He had hurt you and destroyed your spirit in watching Bo on how he would love to reach out for his dad. Your words make my heart turn. You make crying come easy and he does the same thing for you.

    well, sometimes, we thought that our love was great – but i realize, you deserve something that surpasses great. you deserve so much more …it hurts. its sad. its lonely. but remember, life goes on,,,with your beautiful Bo πŸ™‚ You’re in my prayers Sash and Bo πŸ˜‰ReplyCancel

  • March 22, 2013 - 5:18 am

    Mia'kate - Sash I also cried reading this,
    but because I remember how that felt as a four year old when my dad made excuses to me,
    and you’re right, there is that search a girl does to find a replacement.
    So beautifully written and I’m sending you love and hope we see each other
    one day soon.
    And I’d so love to meet your little girl.

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:52 am

      Sash - Thank you Mia. Thank you so much xx I hope our paths cross again in the not too distant future xxReplyCancel

  • March 22, 2013 - 6:12 am

    baby space (@babykidspace) - oh, sash. I am heartbroken for you. but I want to tell you that you are enough. when you feel that thick burning in your chest that tells you that there’s no one there to love her but you and that there’s no one there to guide her but you, you will do it. like you are doing it now. and you will be enough, and she will feel your strength. and you will be so surprised at how amazing she will be — just from you. xReplyCancel

  • March 22, 2013 - 10:52 am

    Roshi - ***warmest hug coming through the internet radio waves or whatever they are, straight to you and another one for Bo too***
    I wish I was there with you, I’d stand next to you and grab a tea towel and dry those dishes and put them away and in your words, and…and…and.ReplyCancel

  • March 24, 2013 - 10:14 am

    Heather - YOU.ARE.AMAZING. Don’t ever forget that. xxxReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:45 am

      Sash - Thanks Heather πŸ™‚ Some days we all really need to hear that, don’t we? xxReplyCancel

  • March 26, 2013 - 11:30 pm

    Rebecca - Thank you for writing so honestly about such a difficult thing. Please know that you are more then enough for Bo. She will learn early on that her father is not dependable, and with your kindness, love and support know that it was nothing to do with her.ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:37 am

      Sash - Thank YOU. xox You just expressed some of my greatest fears for my little Bo and gave me the gift of understanding… xx Thank YOU.ReplyCancel

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