I noticed holes in my favourite t-shirt and my most comfortable leggings this week, and it nearly sent me into a mini melt down. That might seem silly, they are just clothes after all… to say that the melt down wasn’t partially fueled by exhaustion and study brain would be a lie – so I wont say that. Either way, my clothes have started falling apart, which I new is exactly what would happen if I was to wear my favourite t-shirt as often as possible… as for the identical holes in the bum of my leggings, I have no idea where they came from… but they are there. I will fix them, of course, with a good old needle and thread.
Perspective is a powerful thing. I gave myself a pretty stern talking to this week for getting upset over the fact I couldn’t go and buy a soft new cotton t-shirt from a local store. I reminded myself about the time I lived in village Indonesia for three years and wore the same handful of t-shirts on high rotation. I wore them day and night. I surfed in them. I sewed up holes time and time again. I wore them until they were so feral I really couldn’t wear them any more. Then I used them as cleaning rags around the house. Then eventually they pretty much disintegrated… Eventually they were stripped and tied into rope and used as a washing line. Life was simple. There was no where to go and buy new t-shirts unless you wanted ones with Disney characters or really random misspelled English slogans… so I just wore what I had. After a while I didn’t even think about it. It didn’t bother me. I was always sandy and a bit grubby, but we didn’t have a mirror and I really didn’t care. I spent most of my day in the surf, in a hammock or watching the waves with a coconut balanced between my knees. What did I have to worry about? I didnt watch television, I didn’t read magazines, I watched movies on my lap top and read novels I traded with backpackers when they came through town. I didn’t have any exposure to advertisements or fashion or trends. I had no one telling me that my happiness was in any way attached to the clothes I wore.
So I forgot all about it… for years.
Now I look at a closet that is full of clothes and I remind myself that my own ego plays a big part in my issues these days. Letting go of the attachment to consuming clothing (second hand or new) is something that I’m working on all over again. Reminding myself that the way that the clothes that I wear do not define who I am or what I can do. Sure good quality, well fitting clothes feel great, but this year isn’t about that, it’s about retraining. Letting go. Changing the patterns of the way that I talk to myself (about myself), and the band-aids that I use when I’m feeling a bit shit.
Clothes are really the least of my concerns right now, practically speaking that is. I have plenty of clothes to keep myself warm and clean and appropriately dressed… even if they aren’t trendy. I have a much bigger issue that I’ve been struggling with for the past month (or more).
At the beginning of the year my DSLR camera broke. I took it in and got it repaired. Less than a month later, it broke again. Stopped working. Wouldn’t turn on. Wouldn’t shoot. Technology is built to be disposable. Everything is built to be disposable these days. I knew going into this year that I wanted to upgrade my camera at some stage in the near future, it wasn’t serving me for my needs but I couldn’t justify replacing it when it was still going strong. Now it’s not going at all. I’ve been camera sharing with my mum for the past few months which has been great, frustrating at times, but I’m very lucky to have had it as an option at all. Now we are about to go separate ways for a while and I am going to have no access to a good camera, or any camera.
I don’t want to buy a crappy second hand one that I know I will want to replace at the end of the year. I need a camera for my freelance work and my small business. So what do I do? Do I break the rules and buy a new camera and chalk it up as being a necessary work expense and continue on with the year feeling a little bit like a hypocrite. Do I run the risk buying a second hand full frame DSLR? Are there other options I haven’t considered?
I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts. What would YOU do?
22 weeks in and the cracks are beginning to show….