On turning 30

DSC_8263-1PIN IT“Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?”
— Pema Chödrön

I don’t regret getting older. I can’t help but feel unbelievably privileged that I get to at all. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy being young… I did, but more so in hindsight. I’m more than happy to say goodbye to my twenties. My twenties where a rollercoaster of unbelievable experience and heartbreaking mistakes and gut-wrenching loss and spectacular beauty – parts of it were really great but for the most part it was just so intense – you know? I think a big part of that was because for the most part of my twenties I had no idea who I was. And when I started figuring it out, I never felt like I was enough. I was terrified of myself. Of my sexuality. Of my experiences. Of being in love and being hurt and being vulnerable. I had no idea how to handle myself in the world. I was so caught up trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be (and doing a pretty terrible job of it) that I totally lost myself.

Then slowly all of that fear started to fade away and I started to shed the skins of lives that I had lived because I thought that was what was expected of me… and over time, I discovered more and more of who I am.

On Saturday night I had my 30th birthday party. I invited a whole bunch of our favourite people up to my favourite farm and we had a bonfire and ate a communal meal, and played music and camped on the slab that will one day be the warm home of two of my favourite friends. I have been requesting ‘presence over presents’ at birthdays and christmases and things for a few years now… I’d hate for friends to feel like they had to buy me something. And this year my friends surprised me by filling my tent with little love notes and fresh cut wildflowers and homemade art and goodies from their gardens. For me.

Not because I’m being someone who I hope they will like, not because I’m trying to prove anything to anyone – but just because I’m me – flaws and all. For me, that’s pretty massive.

Good people. Good food. Good work for the greater good and the courage to accept myself for who I am.

If that’s what my 30s are all about then I’m welcoming them with open arms.

Similar Posts:

  • October 3, 2015 - 4:55 pm

    Reannon@shewhorambles - my sister died the month before I turned 30. Up until that moment I had been terrified of turning 30. I thought it meant I was old & my best years would be behind me but watching someone die far, far too early ( she was 27) taught me to be grateful for each day I draw breath. A new year, a birthday, it’s not a given. It’s a gift. And my 30’s? Well they’ve been pretty bloody fabulous. I’m living a good life, one I’m happy with. That’s a great thing.

    I’m happy to hear you’re stepping into your 30’s more you than you’ve ever been. That’s something pretty great xReplyCancel

    • October 4, 2015 - 8:50 pm

      Sash - Im sorry to hear about your sister – but what a beautiful attitude you have about it – it is a gift. Every year is a beautiful gift. We are so lucky to have the opportunity to make mistakes and to grow and change and be better. x Thank you for sharing your story xReplyCancel

  • October 6, 2015 - 9:38 am

    supernashwan - I was anxious when I was turning 30. I was in the midst of starting a new career in a new city, organizing marrying my now wife which was planned for less than 1 month after my birthday, and also dealing with a whole lot of family/relationship pressures outside of that. I just felt like I hadn’t done enough in my 20s and kind of frittered it away. But then you hit 30, you kind of realize you need to take charge of things more and then you do so. I’m now in my mid 30s and have a family of my own, I think I now know who I really am and have now really stripped down all the superfluous things in my life and now really concentrate on what’s important which is: Your health, you’re immediate family, the family/friends who are in your corner advocating for you (this is an important one to sort out!), and doing a great job at what you choose to spend your time doing. I think I have a pretty boring life by most of my friends in their 20s standards, but I really don’t mind, its my life and I’m so thankful that I now have the vision to be grateful for those important things that are in it.ReplyCancel

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *