Today, I am myself.


Today I am myself.

I am tired. I am stretched. Yesterday I lost it because my child wouldn’t go to sleep. All day long I tried to get her to go to sleep and all day long she fought me like the stubborn little soul she is. I’d say, Bo you need to go to sleep, through gritted teeth and weary eyes, Mama has to work/eat/sleep/cry/shower. She looked at me with those big dark pools for eyes, staring me down, No, she said shaking her head, No.

She’s a determined little creature.

I lost it and I cried and I fell apart. I am not perfect. There are days when it get to three o’clock in the afternoon and I wish that the day was over. I wish that I could lay in a hot bath and forget about the world. I wish that my work was done and my uni papers were written and those emails had been responded to. I wish that the kitchen was clean and the washing was done and the world was back in line. But it’s not, dishes are left dirty, projects are left unfinished, and sanity left long ago – because there we are, in our little room in the back of the house, waging a war on toddler sleeplessness.

Today, I am myself.

I am tired. Today I am going to the doctor to talk about getting counseling. Counseling I have been putting off in the hope that perhaps I’ll wake up one day and all that crazy awful summer we just had, was really just a dream. But every morning when I wake, it’s the same. It’s just us. He isn’t here. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t hold my hand or kiss my head or tell me that he loves me. He doesn’t make me tea or take Bo for a walk or laugh with us or draw with us or hold us when we hurt. He doesn’t do any of those things, because he is gone. And as not-ok-with-that as I am, I am also OK (enough) with it. I’m not angry anymore. I’m not even all that sad. But I do have residual grief. Little pangs of moments where I think of how different it could have been. How different it was meant to be. Some days I’m happy and I feel like I’ve got it together, other days I’m just numb, and other days, like yesterday, I’m stretched to my very limit and I can’t help but curse him under my breath. Curse him for not choosing us. And so I breathe it in and then I let it go. I let it go. Because holding on, isn’t any good for us. Holding on doesn’t help. And so I search for help. Help to let go of the little things I still hold on to. Help to understand all of the things that I know. That I am worth it. That I deserve more. That I deserve love. Help to understand who I am in all of this mess I’m left to clean up. Help to find myself again in all of this.Help to find a new direction.

There is no shame in asking for help.

There is no shame in recognising that you can’t do it all yourself. And I’ve put it off until now. But it is time. It is time for me to heal and move forward and embrace that beautiful life that I have always been chasing. The pursuit of happiness hit a bump in the road, and this is my way back. There are a thousand things I want to do and a million unrealised dreams and so much fire inside me. But right now I have to do what each of us need to do every day. Just start where we are.

So I start where I am today.

Today, I am myself. In all my imperfection. In my shorter-than-I’d-like-it-to-be fuse. In my messy hair and unfashionable clothes. In my darker moments and also in my light.Because in the end of the darkness, I can see such incredible light. In myself. In my girl. In our future.

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken – Oscar Wilde.

Today I am myself.

Who are you today?

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  • April 30, 2013 - 6:33 am

    Claire T - Beautiful piece Sasha. Parenting a toddler is hard work even if everything else in your life is ticking along. I have a strong minded daughter who is now three and I could have written a very similar description of her. She does not nap and sleep is a battle. Fortunately her smile is good and her cuddles plentiful. I hope the counselling helps you find strength.ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 7:45 am

    aims__love - the first part of this, about your yesterday, i could have written word for word.
    that was my yesterday, too.
    days like that it is really hard to think ‘ tomorrow is a new day’.

    well done on taking the step to heal. <3

    lots of strength & <3 to you from across the ditch!ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 8:07 am

    Charlene - ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 9:02 am

    Cherie - Good luck with the counselling Sash. For me it really helped to have someone besides family and friends to talk to. I think the key is finding the right counsellor for you. For me it was important that my counsellor was a women who had children so she ‘got’ where I was coming from xxxReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 10:26 am

    Rachel - I can totally relate to this. Last night my two didn’t sleep until 11.30pm. Maya woke Kiran up when he was just on the edge of falling asleep THREE times and then I shouted at her and her bottom lip quivered and she started sobbing and I felt like an awful mother!

    You really do just need to take every day with a toddler one day at a time! You are doing an amazing job. I have NO idea how I would do this on my own!

    And I think counselling sounds like an excellent idea. Good luck and take care xReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 10:59 am

    Bee Girl (AKA Melissa) - Self care is absolutely essential. Raising children is not an easy task, and it truly does take a village. Be kind to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be and there is incredibly light at the end of it all (and inside of it all).ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 2:18 pm

    Joelle Breault-Hood - Do those blue jeans make you look fat?
    Your hair and make-up are not all that?
    Are your teeth as white as can be?
    Isn’t there someone you’d rather be?

    Be yourself everybody else is taken
    And no one else can do the things you do
    Let your heart write the music that you’re making
    You be you everybody else is taken

    Expensive hobbies diamonds and gold
    Brand new bodies that never grow old
    Bigger houses bigger cars
    They are the Joneses you’re who you are

    Be yourself everybody else is taken
    And no one else can do the things you do
    Let your heart write the music that you’re making
    You be you everybody else is taken

    You want to fly like the birds
    Take your life story and change the words
    For something greener on the other side
    But hey there’s something you haven’t tried

    Be yourself everybody else is taken
    And no one else can do the things you do
    Let your heart write the music that you’re making
    You be you everybody else is takenReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 3:21 pm

    Karleigh - Today you are you- and an awesome, inspiring you it is, as always <3ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 5:06 pm

    Peggy - I am always touched by your honesty, you write so beautifully even about the painful things.

    Self care is so vital, we are only better as parents when we too are looked after. Good on you for seeking counselling, I’ve benefited from it myself for the better part of 8 years. Life and its little curveballs, they sure do now how to unbalance us sometimes.

    Take care sweets.ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 6:27 pm

    Alma - There is one verse by Tadeusz Rocewicz I really love

    ‘…the most telling
    description of bread
    is one of hunger
    it includes
    the damp porous entre
    the warm interior
    sunflowers at night
    breats belly thighs of Cybele…’

    And really, it s not easy but staying without light makes our experience of light even more great once when it is there. Having the hard times intensify sensing life with all its beauties as we are letting them in one by one. Stay the course;-) <3ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 8:13 pm

    thetwincesses - Beautifully written. Seeking help is the first step to that life you are looking for a deserve. You will get there 🙂ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 8:17 pm

    Rachel - Today I am not the person I want to be either. My stubborn 2.5 year old also wouldn’t sleep. He got up at 5 and was a screaming mess by 9am. Then once he finally fell asleep, I had to wake him because he can’t sleep at 5pm! The baby just wants boobs all day. The dishes weren’t done until 9pm once both kids had finally fought the good fight — and lost! — of going to sleep. I blew my stack more times than I can count. I’m not really that person. But I was today. Tomorrow will be better, right? Tomorrow, I’ll call my sister.
    There is no shame is asking for help. I wish we mum’s didn’t guilt ourselves the way we do. It’s not right. We’re just doing the best with what we have, short fuses and all.
    May your tomorrow be much better than your yesterday!ReplyCancel

  • April 30, 2013 - 9:22 pm

    Felicakes - Lots and lots of love.ReplyCancel

  • May 1, 2013 - 3:54 am

    Elena - Lots of love and squeezy hugs Sash! You’re not alone!xxxxReplyCancel

  • May 3, 2013 - 12:00 am

    dej1285 - i just decided a few days ago that im going to counseling too. i have two babies 2 and under and i am so overwhelmed and my peaceful and free spirited personality has left me andi cry all the time. you are not alone. it will be so good. even tho we love our babes there isnt much time to take care of our emotions so sometimes it just comes out on them because they are there.ReplyCancel

  • May 5, 2013 - 1:56 am

    MissM - I think it is great that you decided on going to counseling. When me and my son´s dad split up I tried to work through it by myself, I was constantly sick and depressed. After maybe six months I decided it was time to get help. I went to therapy for almost two years and it was the best decision I could have made. It was hard but it helped me work out soo much that I couldn´t have done on my own. Lots of love, M xReplyCancel

  • May 7, 2013 - 10:25 am

    Maura - It’s ok to feel frustrated! Don’t be afraid to pop that baby in her crib, shut the door and go do what you have to do. She will survive for the 15 minutes you take a shower, or the 30 minutes you need to yourself. Being stretched too thin won’t be good for either of you. Hang in there.ReplyCancel

  • May 8, 2013 - 9:04 pm

    Meet the sponsor: Inked in Colour » cake crumbs & beach sand - […] in Colour and enjoy fun images of the adventures of Sash and Bo, cry your face off at Sash’s gut-wrenching honesty on this thing we call life, or just be in her space that in my opinion, is one sweet place to […]ReplyCancel

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