It’s been a beautiful, long, exhausting week. With my 92 year old grandfather and Aunt arriving from Canada to meet my beautiful babe, our crazy family Christmas nutty-ness started a little early. We went from place to place, touring the land. Checking out wineries and kangaroos and watching dolphins play in the bay.
All the while there was that niggling feeling in the back of my mind, that Ni was supposed to be here for this. That this was supposed to be different. But I did my best to feel it, and then just let it go. Because what was meant to be, is not, and maybe this is in fact the path that we were all meant to take. The direction that the path is going, I have no idea. But regardless, we are walking this path and it’s better to see the light instead of getting lost in the dark. Though there is a lot of getting lost going on too.
Tomorrow we fly to Sydney. Bo and I. Where there will be lots of overseas family, lots of distant relatives, aunties and uncles and friends and family to surround us with their love and their quirky ways. Distraction at times can help us, other times it is just a poor attempt at avoiding the inevitable pain that is for sure coming your way. I have a strange feeling at the moment of detachment from my situation. I think one may call it denial. I feel nothing most of the time. It still feels as if perhaps he was never here… perhaps it has all been a dream. And then I wake, alone, again. With a baby to care for and not enough sleep and I then I remember. He was here, for the briefest of moments. And my whole world is upside down.
I’m lucky this weekend I had a beautiful dinner with my siblings followed by a lazy afternoon with a close friend. Sometimes it’s the little things, sitting by the water, sipping champagne, sharing food, laughing, finding peace, that just help you get through.
I hope your weekend is suitably inked in colour and that wherever you are in the world, no matter your culture or your religion or your beliefs that you are surrounded by people who love you, just because you’re you.