The juggler.

jugglerPIN ITI’m beginning to finally recognise that what I have always believed is my greatest asset, is actually, perhaps, my greatest flaw. I’ve always had the uncanny ability to juggle many differently sized balls at once, without dropping them. Sometimes I falter. But rarely does it all fall apart. Except of course. When it does.

In the past few weeks I’ve been juggling more ferociously than I have been for years now. And I’ve found myself desperately longing for the boredom that came with the thick soupy air and the stubborn heaviness of a tropical summer. I’ve started yearning once more for that simplicity that I used to think meant that I wasn’t achieving, and now I realise that a lack of achievement is not necessisarily a bad thing.

This juggling act has been getting me down. My patience falters and I find myself temperamental and emotional (even more so than usual, which for me, is a stretch). In one hand I’ve got the last stretch of my degree, in another my child, up in the air I have freelance jobs, a part time social services job, a divorce and about three million unrealised stories and photographs that I want to get down but I’m on human and every single night I just run out of steam… I do not advise finishing a masters, getting divorced and single parenting all in the same six months. It’s ludicrous.

Without fail, every day, I drop a ball (or three)…

I used to think the secret to happiness was the chase. The great exploration in to the great unknown. The foreign lands and their captivating sights and smells. I used to think it was a backpack on my back and a passport in my pocket, traipsing the most enchanting of hills and trying to catch a wink of sleep in the foulest of buses.

I’m starting to think that maybe, I was wrong.  I think the secret to true happiness is actually much simpler. It’s about paring back. Coming clean. Being honest and being brave enough to see each day as a fresh start… even if that fresh start begins with wee on the floor and the worlds most epic tantrum.

I don’t want to juggle anymore. I just want to hold one thing in my arms and focus my energy on it. I want to walk out into a yellow dressed autumn day and only smell the crisp air and the faint hint of burning wood without a clouded mind of jumbled thoughts and deadlines. Life seems like it’s in such a hurry. Every day I am racing from one thing to the next, as if time is slipping through my hands.

As if I’m scared that I don’t do enough I wont BE enough. I’m losing time. Every day.

It’s time for a change. Life is going to become a whole lot simpler in about five weeks. With the end of the degree, the end of my lease and the looming court date… once these things are done, we might just go on a spectacular adventure. Or maybe we’ll just settle right down. Pare it right back and just live it.

I’m not sure yet. But maybe that’s the point? Maybe we don’t have to be sure at all…

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  • May 19, 2014 - 5:46 am

    rhiannon - I hate that constant pressure to be achieving something or feeling like a day is wasted, stop the glorification of busy! xReplyCancel

    • May 19, 2014 - 10:10 am

      Sash - “the glorificatioin of busy” – love the way you put it. Stop it indeed!ReplyCancel

  • May 19, 2014 - 8:13 am

    eva - our ideas of happiness can change as our life and priorities change. Your old idea of happiness wasn’t wrong – it was right for you then, but maybe not now. Life with a toddler is hectic, and it cries out for simplification at times – slowing down, enjoying it and knowing that it will be over all too soon.
    But when Bo is older, that idea of travel and adventure and the great unknown might again be your idea of happiness and something you might even get to share together.ReplyCancel

    • May 19, 2014 - 10:11 am

      Sash - Ah, I really truly hope we do share it together. Both soon and later, when we are big people too… that urge to travel will never be something I can let go of, but I can’t pin my happiness to it, there needs to be something simpler to hang on to.ReplyCancel

  • May 19, 2014 - 8:46 am

    Peggy - And so begins that allusive thing we call peace. This realisation didn’t hit me until I was nearly 40 and the catalyst was a meltdown. Enjoy the wind down Sash, somehow I think it is going to suit you.ReplyCancel

    • May 19, 2014 - 10:09 am

      Sash - I’m glad there was no meltdown. It will probably take me 3-6 months to wind everything right down… but then… aaahhhh.ReplyCancel

  • May 19, 2014 - 10:03 am

    Cherie - I know how you feel Sash. My weeks are so busy and the only thing that gets me through is knowing the weekend is coming and that Rod, the kids and I can hang out at home without any ‘plans’. I’m at a place now where less is certainly a whole lot more xxxReplyCancel

    • May 19, 2014 - 10:10 am

      Sash - Less really is more. What the hell is “success” anyway? xReplyCancel

  • May 19, 2014 - 4:38 pm

    Anna - This post really hits the spot. My mind has been processing the same change of perspective for the past few weeks. You put it in beautiful words – as always.
    I’ve struggled with that change of life and perspective for almost a year.
    Now I find it rather liberating. Somehow an unexpected freedom.ReplyCancel

  • May 19, 2014 - 7:40 pm

    Amber - Sounds to me like you need a good hike! I know the perfect one! <3ReplyCancel

  • May 20, 2014 - 8:46 am

    Tammi - Perspective is a funny thing. I have only ever managed to juggle one or two balls at most preferring to keep life simple but admit to often looking at women, like yourself, with the ability to juggle many balls at once and think I was missing out, or not good enough.
    There is a certain amount of freedom that comes from paring back.ReplyCancel

  • May 20, 2014 - 2:36 pm

    Erin - Beautiful words. I can definitely relate. I’ve always been a great multitasker but I’m starting to realise that it makes you unable to just breathe and take in each moment as it happens. Everyone is in such a rush these days and we all just need to slow down.ReplyCancel

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