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I got a message from my husband the other day. The message said. I am in the deepest, darkest hole. It’s been an awful few days and I have a sinking feeling that it’s bound to get a lot worse before it gets better. I too am in a deep dark hole. But this isn’t one I dug for myself. This is one I stumbled into, tripping and falling and landing hard in a dark, unfamiliar place. Alone and cold.
In light of recent events I considered shutting the blog down. I considered deleting it. I considered going on an indefinite hiatus. I don’t want this to become a negative space. It has always been a place of growth and discovery and engaged discussions, and I feared that if I let myself be honest that this place could become the deep dark hole that I am sitting in. I don’t want that. That was never what this blog was about.
So, I considered deleting it all. Which would of course be a logistical nightmare, what with all of the sponsors and plans and give-aways and products and… and… and… but more than that… it would be a great loss to me personally. Never the less. I seriously considered shutting it down.
But then the emails began. One after another I have received emails and comments and private messages from women all around the world. women I have never met. Women on every continent in the world. Women sharing their own stories of betrayal. Of pain. Of loss. Women who understand. Women who feel pain for me and for my beautiful child. For our loss. For losing a great love, losing the trust of your greatest love. It is like a death. And to recover, one must truly grieve.
So thank you. Each and every one of you. For your words and your prayers and your love. For your emails and your generosity and the champagne and the chocolate hamper and the kind words and the tears shed for yourselves and for me and for women everywhere.
It’s because of you that this blog will remain. It’s because of you that I find my strength even when I believe there is no strength left inside.
This blog is a record of our journey. My family. My heart. My loves. And even though some of those feelings are displaced right now, the desire to live a full and joyful life is not. Thank you for reminding me that, for keeping me true to who I am underneath this pain and who I will become because of it. I will try to write about things that are joyful and things that are beautiful and moments of clarity and warmth. but I will also write about pain and anger and grief because they are real. They are honest. And those feelings are not mine alone.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Please keep sharing your stories with me for the Christmas break. Our Christmas is not going to be what it was planned. But I love that I have so many beautiful stories from YOU to share. We still have heaps of space for more. And more. And more.
xox
Tasha - I am so glad you’re not shutting the blog down. Just want you to know that I am praying for you.
Alicia - Thank you Sash, for sharing, for being sincere, honest, true and real, for helping us all, in some way or another, with your words. Always.
As all those that have commented before, I’d love to give you and Bo a big, warm, safe hug, one that leaves all the sadness, anger and tough feelings out. Recieve it a little bit virtually.
There are many conventions out there, on everything possible, you well know that from what you write. I’d just like to say that in all this tough situation, remember to be yourself and follow your heart, no matter what people, society, friends… might think. At times we all make mistakes, some bigger than others, some we can forgive, some hurt so bad they never fade away, some can be overcome and be mended, some cannot… but please, remember to feel, to love, to listen to your body, your heart, your soul, to be true to yourself.
Love,
A.
Kathy SJ - One step at a time, Sash, and this too shall pass. I remember – in the darkest of moments, full of fear and loathing, full of the will to be angry and let everyone know about it – that a friend told me: “Kathy, in a week, this will still hurt. In fact, it will probably still hurt in a month and in a year, too. But you know? In five years it will be a memory with a wince… and in ten years, it will be a blip on the radar.”
Hang in there for the blip – there’s good coming your way.
With much love,
Kath xx
Yumi - What I most admire about you and your writing is your honesty, your sensibility.
There are good and bad things, beautiful and ugly things in our lifes, and we have to live through both sides. I’m glad you decided to keep the blog, and you’ll write about anything you’re feeling, good or bad, because it’s what is real for you now… Hugs for you and Bo.
Xx
Annabelle (Kate's friend) - Courage. Your words ring with courage. The story pulls me to the moment where the music filled you and washed you clean and then …. May you find peace in the still moments, between breaths. And may you find happiness in the fullest of moments, even the bittersweet. My heart goes out to you.