Room for it all.

boanddad2-1PIN IT

boanddad14PIN IT

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” – Pema Chodron

My soon to be ex husband was here a few weeks ago. He had been sent to Australia for a surfing trip and decided to come and visit Bo. They hadn’t been in the same place as each other for just over 12 months. The top photo is more than a year ago, on a different beach, in a different part of Australia, the last time we were all together. The bottom photo is Bo and her dad, a few weeks ago. Memories that I hope she holds on to. Happy times. Ice cream and waves. Playgrounds and laughter. Even now when I show her these photos, she climbs up on my lap and tells me about the day she went to the playground at the beach with her daddy. She laughs as she repeats funny things that happened, she smiles and I can tell she’s already created fond memories for herself from this time.

Time with her dad  is so rare and so fleeting, and probably always will be. I watch her and I try to gauge what she needs from me. I try to navigate the minefield of my own feelings so that I can give more of myself to her, so that I make sure that priorities are defined by what is truly necessary and not just by what I feel. The time she spends with her father is time when I sit close by, far enough away to give them the space to have their own time, but close enough to be there when she needs to check in with me for a quick cuddle or a reassuring word.

Close enough to feel the sting of old broken dreams but still far enough away that they no longer blind me.

Some days I feel terribly far from being grown up, I feel stuck in a cycle of guilt and forgiveness… giving myself grief for not having it all figured out yet. Wondering why I still feel that burn of betrayal every now and again. Wondering how that will inform new relationships… allowing myself to feel and to breathe and at the same time not allowing it to affect the relationship my daughter has with her father – a relationship that is my responsibility to encourage and to capture the memory of, for Bo’s sake. A relationship that is not mine, but that I am responsible for, at least for now.

Balance is an elusive beast at times, isn’t it? Finding room for the pain and the grief and the joy and the love and the truth.

Finding room in the heart for it all.

boanddad14-2PIN IT

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  • April 28, 2014 - 4:51 am

    Lila - You’re doing an amazing job Sash, simply because you haven’t transferred the weight of your hurt to her little shoulders.ReplyCancel

    • April 28, 2014 - 2:05 pm

      Sash - Thank you lovely. That’s exactly what I’m trying so hard to do – to keep the weight off her… SHe’ll have weight of her own one day to carry, she doesn’t need to carry mine too!


  • April 28, 2014 - 5:43 am

    emma - I think you are extremely strong and brave and your putting your daughter first no matter how hard it is for you. Bo will grow up knowing this and loving you for it, way to go xxxxReplyCancel

    • April 28, 2014 - 2:05 pm

      Sash - Thank you Emma! xReplyCancel

  • April 28, 2014 - 5:48 am

    Amber - You inspire me Sash!
    The way you conduct yourself with Bo shows the true strength of the human heart and how well you know the prioritys in your life!
    I’m so proud to call you my friend <3ReplyCancel

    • April 28, 2014 - 2:05 pm

      Sash - And you Amber. xo And you. xoReplyCancel

  • April 28, 2014 - 3:58 pm

    Virginia Kop - Don’t worry about not feeling grown up yet – am 64 and still not there!ReplyCancel

  • April 28, 2014 - 5:55 pm

    rachel - You are doing it.
    And you’re sharing it so maybe some other women can do it too. You’re finding beauty where there is pain, and seeking balance in chaos.
    I would say you’re fighting the good fight, but it doesn’t look like fighting is the right word.ReplyCancel

    • April 28, 2014 - 10:59 pm

      Sash - I’m all about the “good fight” with peaceful resistance – and wabi sabi… 😉 I haven’t forgotten It’s on the to do list lady. xxReplyCancel

  • April 28, 2014 - 8:06 pm

    SarahD@snippetsandspirits - The fact that you are so in tune and conscious of the triangle that is your ex and your precious little girl says it all. You will get the balance right, she will help you find it. I have been reading your words for a little while now. I love how they grab a hold of me. You are beautiful writer and mama.ReplyCancel

  • April 28, 2014 - 8:24 pm

    Dena - oh, how brave and wonderful you are. you’ve no idea how much these words mean to me at a time when i so desperately need to hear them. <3ReplyCancel

    • April 28, 2014 - 10:11 pm

      Sash - Oh Dena… I hope everything is ok. Big deep breathes (and screaming into pillows) really, truly help.


  • April 29, 2014 - 10:03 am

    Mary - Hi Sash,

    I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but I have only rarely (if ever) commented. I couldn’t not today.

    The honesty and beauty and humanity is tremendous. Thank you for sharing this. You and this space are so valued.


  • May 4, 2014 - 5:04 pm

    Andrea - Argh, that must have been a hard hard and bittersweet time, watching Bo with her Dad, and all the mis-balance of having to spend time with him yourself.

    Well done for getting through it. xReplyCancel

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