In pursuit of the blissful life.


My marriage has fallen apart.All of a sudden I’m alone and I there are moments where I can’t remember who I am.

I went from being alone. To falling in love. To falling pregnant. To getting married. To being together. To having Bo. One became two, became three. And now? Shattered. Now I stand here as I did before all of this as one person, completely changed.

I have been known to take the path less traveled, to pursue that which is not the norm, to live out of the box. I always try to make conscious choices about my attitude, choices about the way I see the world, choices about my priorities and the things that are important to me – so that I can design the life I want to live instead of waste my days wishing things were different. It’s what lit the fire under my heels and packed my bag and made me disappear from this every-day-grind so many years ago. I was out in search of my life and every day I found it in a new place, in the eyes of new people in the smell of earth and the salt on my skin.I found bliss in so many moments in so many countries with so many people. Blissful moments. I never stopped searching. And now at the end of the day I am still looking. Even though my search has changed as I have changed (and what is life without change and growth?) the pursuit has always been of the blissful life. Not of money or things or houses or cars. But moments of bliss.

It’s hard to catch and hold on to. Bliss. It’s a fleeting moment. A moment of pure happiness. A moment of perfection, where everything fits and the world comes together and everything aligns. Bliss. There is bliss everywhere. Holding my almost one year old daughter to my chest. Feeding her, her soft breath on my skin, her fluttering eye lids, her cheeky smile when she catches me watching her. Bliss.

I’m slowly healing, though the wound of the betrayal is still weeping. I’m healing from the inside out. Infidelity in a marriage is a difficult betrayal to ever come back from. It’s something that strips us down to our most vulnerable, takes from us our most coveted and spits on our memories. It makes even the most blissful memories of our times together seem like lies. Every happy moment becomes fake and forced, every joyful photograph has a new sinister context. But we can come back from it. Individually. I can come back from it.

I’m learning again who I am. Who I am without him. Who I am now that the world has changed. It’s like I’ve been in the dark for these years and my eyes are just trying to adjust to the light. The little person standing beside me, her hand in mine, is showing me the way.

Six weeks ago my husband left. I told him to go. How can you stay with someone who has no respect for you? How can you stand by one who doesn’t stand by you? And so now I stand here alone, with my child. Strong and weak at the same time. Empowered and bewildered all at once. I stand here, baby on my hip and I face the world. From the ashes of a failed marriage, new trust will grow. Trust in myself. Trust in the universe. Trust in the magic that the world provides when you just take the time to listen. When you surrender yourself. When you learn to let go.

It’s easy to forget. It’s easy to keep the blinkers on and to get overcome by the to-do lists and the shopping lists and the events and the schedules and the daily grind… and forget what is really and truly important. It’s easy to get stuck in the sad or the mad or the bad. To get bogged down in the ugly and to get lost in the darkness that creeps up inside. It is easy to forget that magic is everywhere.

But it’s also really easy to remember it too. If you just stop. And breathe.

Just breathe.

And watch the people around you because magic lives in people. It lives in the people we love and it lives in the people we don’t even know yet.

It lives in you. It lives in me.

And I am going to find it. Every day.

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  • January 19, 2013 - 7:26 am

    Tamsin Michelle - Wish we lived closer. Love your energy. Keep going. And thanks for reminding me of the magic…ReplyCancel

    • January 19, 2013 - 8:38 am

      Sash - Me too. We’d love to come play in your sprinklers with you and your little kidlets. Who knows… One day maybe… One day. xxReplyCancel

  • January 19, 2013 - 8:15 am

    Erica - On my Own,
    On my Own,
    On my Own
    (not alone)
    (never alone)
    ……….and broken is a blissful experience as well.
    You’ll see……….
    Light & LoveReplyCancel

  • January 20, 2013 - 3:16 pm

    Joleen - I just came across your blog through topbabyblogs. I just wanted to send you some virtual hugs. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I know it’s impossible to see right now but you will get through this and be a better person, woman, and mother for it. I went through a divorce 3 years ago and was madly in love with the “rebound” when I found out he was married with children. It was devestating. (He’d met my family and everything). I was shattered in every way. I ended up moving across the country for a change of scenery and new beginning. I met my soon to be husband and we got pregnant (which I never thought was possible after nearly a decade of trying with my ex husband). I am sitting here typing this next to my 7 week old son. My miracle.

    I know you’re going through a hard time. I’ve been there. Try to put one foot in front of the other. Focus on YOUR beautiful miracle and the great life that the two of you will have together. If you ever want to talk to someone you can email me. Best wishes mama. <3ReplyCancel

    • January 20, 2013 - 3:18 pm

      Sash - Thanks for the beautiful words Joleen! My little miracle reminds me of the beauty in every day… we are very lucky to have them xReplyCancel

  • April 10, 2013 - 7:30 am

    From fantasy to reality (SPONSORED) | Inked in Colour - […] And I need to accept that. Asking for help is not a failure. Being vulnerable is not being weak. Life can be blissful even when you have a great hill to climb. You can stand back and look at the shit storm around you […]ReplyCancel

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