It’s been exactly a year since this post, and this one too. The posts that first revealed the tumultuous breakdown of my marriage and the affair that I had just discovered. I still can’t read those posts.
Not yet. My feelings are still a little too fragile to rehash all that raw and primal pain.
It must be the time of year, but on Friday night I stood at another concert, with my sisters. A year after we had stood in the mosh pit, the night my husband left Australia. A whole year had passed… and here we were again. The three of us. Standing in front of one of my favourite artists, singing his songs, feeling the sting in my heart when the words that I’ve sung in my head (and in my shower) for so many years washed over me. Songs of love and heartache. Songs of laughter and tears. Songs of moving on and growing up and songs that reminded me of all the good and all the bad and all the sad… and… and… (if you happen to know Passenger personally, feel free to pass him my details… I’d like to have a beer or four with him).
And so we come full circle. A year later. We are getting ready for Christmas and I’m not the person I was 12 months ago. I’m still healing, but I’m no longer broken. I’m still hurt but no longer angry. I’m still lonely, but I no longer miss him. Time really does heal *most* wounds.
I began this year at rock bottom. I’ve been through some messy and difficult times, but I’ve never been as low as I was when 2013 began. I was hopeful. But I was at my lowest point. I had to build myself, my life, my future, from nothing. Rock bottom has become a very strong foundation on which to rebuild my life. Every bit I build, the stronger I become… because the foundation is no longer so damn precarious. I’ve written a lot about things that are important to me this year. About single parenthood and about separation. I’ve written about feminism and the politics of infidelity, and consumerism, and parenting. I’ve written about creativity and food and travel and love and life and everything in between. I’ve written my healing heart onto these pages and you’ve been there and for that, I have a whole lot of thanks, friends.
2012 was one of the hardest years of my life. My best (and heart-breakingly estranged) friend committed suicide in the small Indonesian village where we both lived, a few months later my husband had an affair that ended our marriage. It was the year of the breakdown of my heart. 2013 has been the year of healing. I have gone into hiding and I have lived a simple and soulful existence while my broken heart hid away from the world to lick it’s wounds and to try to learn to trust and love again.
2014 is going to be the year of glorious choice. There will be great changes both here on the blog and more so in every area of my life. I’m strong and I’m ready to face the world with an open trusting heart. I’m coming out of hiding. I’m coming out and up and I’ll be louder and bigger and brighter. No holding back.
For now though, my friends… I’m going to sign off for the rest of the year. I’m going to get out from behind my computer and look my life right in the eye. And I’m going to just exist. With my child and my family and my friends. I’m going to play.
I should probably worry about statistics and page reads and work and pay and… and… and… all those blog things that matter but don’t matter if you know what I mean? But you know what I think about it? I think, fuck it. It really doesn’t matter nearly as much as everyone makes out it does… so…
I’m going to stare at the stars instead of the screen.
I’m going to drink beer and eat food and laugh and party and laugh and live without a care in the world because, we only get this time once. This summer is only going to happen once. This celebration of the end of the darkest years of my life, it only happens once… Bo will only be the person she is today for such a short time, and I want to see it all this summer.
So I’m not going to be around much for the next month or so. I won’t be active here or on my Twitter account. I wont be posting our final pictures in the 52 series and I wont be continuing the series next year. I’m not going to worry about sharing pictures of Christmas or the parties we go to or the food I prepare or writing posts or worrying about whether or not I’m writing pinnable content or whether or not I’m networking properly…I’m not going to worry about anything at all. I’m just going to enjoy everything this wonderful season of giving and loving has to offer. If you’re interested in knowing more about my views on this season, keep your eyes on Little Wolff over the coming days where a guest post from me will pop up in due course.
I’m done. I’m not writing anymore about life this year…
I’m just going to live it. With my eyes wide open.
And I’ll see you all in the new year. Merry Christmas friends. I hope it’s everything you wish it to be.
Brace yourself 2014… I’m coming at ya.