Be Vulnerable. Not Weak.

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This is me.

I’m vulnerable. I’m struggling. I’m suffering in my own personal grief. I am dismally flailing around trying to find a balance between life and work. I’m not succeeding. I have had a few days in the past week where there is no doubt in my mind that I was not coping. I was overwhelmed. I was beaten. I was crushed. And then I have days where I find the light and I find the joy and I find the laughter in the company of an old and beautiful friend. I am vulnerable. Not weak.

This is who I am. Right now.

For a very long time I tried to be whoever it was I *thought* I was supposed to be. I wore what I thought I should wear. I was a chameleon. I fit the part with whichever group of friends I was with. I worked as an actor. I pretended to be other people all the time and my professional life bled into my personal life. There was no difference. I was unconnected to myself, I was excluded, I was different and I didn’t fit anywhere because I was trying so hard to fit everywhere. I was terrified to be vulnerable. I was terrified to be different, so I tried to be the same.

But I wasn’t. The same. I wasn’t the same at all.

It took me a lot of pain and a lot of living to understand that being vulnerable, being honest, being true is never a bad thing. It took me a very long time to even begin to have the courage to be who I AM, not who other people think I should be. It is something that I still fight with every day. Fighting to ignore the part of me that tells me I’m not enough, I’m not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough. Fighting to allow myself to just exist. And to be brave enough to put myself out there to the world, without fearing judgement or hate or pain. Even though they will always come, there are always negative people and negative words. But you can choose to let the love and the light and the support shine through. You can choose.

I am vulnerable. I am in an extraordiarily vulnerable time in my life right now. I have opened myself and I have been hurt. Being vulnerable is not being weak. It is being strong. It is hard but it is also joyful. I am starting to let go of the pain and the saddness and the grief because it is no longer serving me well. I haven’t heard from my husband in almost a week and whilst that hurts, it hurts, I’m seeing through the lies and I’m finally accepting the truth. Slowly, but surely, I’m letting go.

I got an email from a reader of Inked a week ago, and this particular reader sent me the following video. A TED talk on the power of vulnerability. She thought that I would like it. She was absolutely right. It is a very powerful piece, it hit me right at my core. It reminded me why I write this blog, why I do what I do every day. It reminded me what I am fighting so hard for. It reminded me why I lay my heart on the line here and in my day-to-day life and it has re-ignited a passion in me to live my life whole-heartedly, to live with honesty and love and hope and light and joy. I urge you to watch it. To listen to it and to remember what makes you passionate. What gives you joy.

I hope it inspires you to love fearlessly, to give to the world even though sometimes the world knocks you down. It doesn’t matter what you wear or how much you weigh… It doesn’t matter. Because we only get this one life. We only get each of these days once. Be brave, be vulnerable, be honest. Always.

What makes you feel vulnerable?

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  • April 3, 2013 - 2:04 pm

    Vickie van der Linden - You’re getting ” there” s lot faster than I did . Wish there had been a , SASH for me……..ReplyCancel

  • April 3, 2013 - 3:49 pm

    Nicole - Sash I have never read a blog ,before you’re the first .what ya going through what you have been through ,every word you write I read with enthusiasm .i have no life experience of what you are going through .but reading your words puts me right there with you. feeling every feeling ,thinking every thought .you are doing a fantastic job better then I with my 13 month Old and I dont have the circumstances you do .but you inspire me to be in the presence with my children an enjoy it .even while she sits here screaming at me 😉ReplyCancel

  • April 3, 2013 - 5:55 pm

    thetwincesses - Keep being who you are because that is the best version of yourself. Keep strong.ReplyCancel

  • April 3, 2013 - 8:41 pm

    Desiree - Wow! Well said! Reading this gives me chills.

    Discouragement makes me vulnerable. It never use to be that way. I once loved hearing I couldn’t do something because I knew then I would do it after hearing I cant! Now, I just sink away to a tiny dark place and say “maybe they’re right” 🙁 I am trying to get back to being that strong, motivated, driven person I once was. After a series of horrible happenings brought me down, it is taking some time to bring myself back up. We will get there in time! 🙂 You are an inspiration to me!ReplyCancel

  • April 4, 2013 - 11:43 pm

    David Herdson - Sometimes we will be vulnerable and even weak. But when I go home and stay with my little baby, all the disappointment and sadness will be lost. Enjoy the time with your kids. Don’t worry Be Happy!!! my friendReplyCancel

  • April 10, 2013 - 7:30 am

    From fantasy to reality (SPONSORED) | Inked in Colour - […] I can’t do it all without help. And I need to accept that. Asking for help is not a failure. Being vulnerable is not being weak. Life can be blissful even when you have a great hill to climb. You can stand back and look at the […]ReplyCancel

  • April 10, 2013 - 2:51 pm

    aims__love - this photo is beautiful. you&her. facing the world together.
    your writing is so raw and honest – keep being the strong mama you are.
    you’re doing great, sash.ReplyCancel

  • May 7, 2013 - 5:40 am

    Loving yourself and other social dilemmas. | Inked in Colour - […] you happy. Arrogance often comes from an underbelly of self-hate and a fear of being vulnerable. Embrace vulnerability! There is nothing wrong with being imperfect and vulnerable and scared… and loving yourself […]ReplyCancel

  • May 17, 2013 - 12:14 am

    Laura June - I adore Brene Brown and her books are awesome as well. Highly recommend checking them out!ReplyCancel

    • May 17, 2013 - 10:45 am

      Sash - I’ll look them up. Thanks for the tip Laura!ReplyCancel

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