It has been autumn for almost a month, according to the calendar, but just this week I have really felt the change in the air. The cool air. The need for our woolen cardigans for our trips to the park. The freshness that comes, so welcome, after a blistering Western Australian summer.
Now as the dense, heavy heat of summer is lifting, I can feel the same heavy heat in my heart begin to lift too. This summer was a difficult one for me personally. With great expectation and great, painful disappointment. This change in season is bringing with it a very welcomed change in the season of my own mind. Letting go of anger, and replacing it with love, love for myself and love for my child and even love for my husband… however distant he is these days. My marriage is over, I have accepted that. For now, that is the way things must be. I need to open my heart and my mind and although I can’t force myself to love him less, I can let him go, for all our sakes. When I let him go, I let go of anger and when I let go of the anger the pain of the betrayal lessens and I feel lighter, I sleep better, I am happier.
Bo and I are settling into our own daily rhythm. Finding our way together. Little hands guiding me through parks and pointing out birds and laughing at leaves. Little hands reminding me of the simple things. Little hands teaching me patience. Little hands showing me the way.
With a change in season we have taken on our first sickness of the season as our bodies adjust. I haven’t had a winter since I lived in Melbourne four years ago. Besides an unseasonably cold New South Wales summer when Bo was born, she has never lived through one. So as welcome as the change is, it is an adjustment for our bodies, that’s for sure. Fevers and tears and late nights rocking a sleepless babe have turned into late nights dealing with my own fevers whilst I watch her recovering body sleep soundly in our bed. Hot tea with lemon and ginger remind me of my dearest friend who left this world almost a year ago now. As I nurse my cup I am nostalgic for another time, a time where we danced together and nursed each other through tropical flues and drank ginger tea and told our secrets in our little bungalow by the beach. I can’t help but miss her a little more today. Cool air and fearless blue skies have always made me nostalgic.
I welcome the change in our physical world, but the change in the season of my mind is a more welcomed change. Accepting the challenges that single parenthood brings with open arms and letting go of the intensity that the summer brought to my family. Letting go and making space for happier times and cool air and good books and rainy days and long walks with crunchy leaves underfoot, her little hand in mine.
What do you love about a change in season?