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My husband arrived in Australia on the 30th of November. He left again on Saturday the 8th of December. One week later. I don’t know if or when he will return. I don’t know how I feel and I don’t know what I want. I don’t have a plan. I wish I had a time machine where I could go back and help him make better choices. I wish I could protect us both from the pain that we are feeling right now. But I can’t. So I don’t know what to do. I’m in an absolute state of unknowing. It’s terrifying.
On Saturday night I went to a concert with my sisters and my gorgeous niece. A night that had been planned for months. I never thought that this concert would fall in the context that it did. but it did. And so we went, as my husbands plane took off from the runway at the airport, we arrived at the concert grounds. Four women. One unspoken heart ache.
The incredible Australian artist I went to see has been a part of my life for a long time. We all have a relationship with music, different music. But I know you know what I mean when I talk about the way music touches you, and speaks to you and helps you – Her’s has always spoken to me. Her songs are part of the soundtrack of my life. There are ones that make me cry and others that make me laugh and the odd few that make me stand up and be accountable. And here I was. Standing in front of her for the very first time. On the most painful day of my life so far. My body aching from the emotion. My heart pounding in my throat. My skin stinging with betrayal. I stood in a crowd of hundreds, alone, in the company of many.
The photos are blurred. Which was a result of poor settings and shaking hands… but I like them that way. They feel more like I feel…
I watched her play her beautiful music and somewhere in there for the tiniest moment I was outside myself. I wasn’t the woman who had just discovered her husbands affair. I wasn’t the mother who had just put her daughters father on to a plane to far off lands. I wasn’t the person grieving her partner, her best friend, her future. I wasn’t any of the things that I had been for the past five days. I was just a girl. A girl surrounded by strangers with ears filled with music. And that was OK.
I listened and I swayed and I sipped cider and I let myself fill with the music that I had listened to for years. I let it pour into me until I couldn’t hold anymore. And when the wave of it rolled over me, it unearthed my deepest emotions and pushed what I was feeling to the surface. In that moment I broke, in the throngs of the pit at the concert. At that moment my knees buckled and my face cracked open and the tears rolled fast and loose down my hot cheeks like acid leaving pathways in their wake. In that very moment three hands were placed on me, strong, silent, loving hands. One on each shoulder and one on my back. Three hands from three women in my life. Your heart is fierce. They whispered to me. Your heart is fierce. And for the first time since my heart was broken, for the briefest of moments, I just let myself cry.
Sister Milk - and so it is….
and when it falters, ours are fierce for you xxx
Brandee - So beautifully written! I have stared at the empty comment box for too long. I wish there was something i could say which would ease your pain! Please know that our hearts ache for you and Bo. Sending you hugs and prayers of strength from miles away!
Meegs - Oh Sash. Sending you so much love and healing thoughts. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m so glad you have wonderful women surrounding you and reminding you of your fierceness. I hope you find peace and clarity.
Megan @ The Boho Momma - So much love to you and your little Bo…
theverylastmelon - Sash..
Have been following your blog for a few weeks now and my heart is breaking for you as i read your latest entries… After the sacrifices you have made, being torn in between home and Indonesia, trying to make the best choices for you and Bo…
To have this thrown at you when you least expected it and were thinking your new life as a family in Aus was just about to begin…. I can´t even begin to imagine how that must feel…
I can tell that you are an incredibly strong woman and i´m sure with time you will get through this.. There are no words i can say to make this eny easier, but I am soo happy to hear that you are surrounded with support and strength and people reminding you of your fierceness within..
Missy Higgins will now be even further ingrained in your life´s soundtrack after this night…. i absolutely agree with you about her amazingness and the way her songs can touch you..
I often listen to her when i´m missing home or feeling lost, to hear her meaningful lyrics and hear the aussie-ness of her voice..
Sending you love, light and strength across the oceans from Brazil to Western Australia.
Stay strong..
Melissa xoxoxo
Heather - Love from over here in the US, too. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Thinking about you and that sweet baby.
Bettina - You will find a way through. Though the pain will never completely disappear, it will subside and teach you things about yourself that you never knew. X
Elise - ‘Just lay it all down, put your face into my neck and let it fall out…’
Even in such trying times as this, your beautifully written words never fail to gracefully dance off the page and leap deep into my heart.
Love you lady, I’ve been thinking of you and Bo so much.
‘And in our honesty, together we will rise, out of our nightminds, and into the light at the end of the fight’
Xoxoxoxo
Mel - Sash, you are a beautiful lady with the biggest heart, I hope your heart mends in time. Your words bought tears to my eyes, stay strong Mumma! Much love to you, Bo and your supportive family and friends xx
Yumi - I can only send love and hope things get better… I wish I could hug you and say something that would give you some comfort. Xxx
Jenn - First of all my heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. I have been there. My husband of seven years did the exact thing to me but he had a child with his lover. On that note I left the marriage. Everyone has to make the best decision for themselves. I hope you know you are stronger than you can imagine at this moment in time. I believe that things happen “FOR” us and not to us. We need experiences to make us stronger, to learn from, to grow. You will become stronger, wiser, and continue on your journey with a new perspective. I believe that everything in life happens as it should. I know you cant see it now but you will be okay. You will be okay. You must love yourself first and only you know what is best for you and your daughter. I wish you peace, love, and happiness. May you follow your path and live the journey you were destin to live. You are not alone and you are loved by so many. May peace be in your heart and may u take the high road. Don’t let this event define you or bring you down. You are stronger, wiser, and better than you think. I wish you the best and thank you for sharing your journey with us. I can’t wait to see the person you become and the greatness you give back to this world.
With love,
Jenn in Missouri, USA
K-A - Sash I read your blog yesterday and tears filled my eyes and a sorrow in my heart for you and Bo, of what has happened. Over before it really began, Hope Husni relieases what he has just thrown away by his actions. We send our love, hugs, stay true to yourself and Bo. Your words are that of an understandably of a broken heart, but still I see the strength within through those words. So keep that and with love from so many far away, and those so close, you will move forward, slowly, painfully, mending with time. Love and cyber hugs to you. Kerrie-Ann & Susan xx
erica @ expatria, baby - I don’t know you but for your words, yet still, I hate to see such a lovely soul in pain. I can’t imagine. The hopes gone and dreams shattered. The distance that makes it all so much harder to figure out.
I wish you strength. I wish you peace. I wish your heart the time it needs to figure everything out.
Jess - To be surrounded by that kind of love at a time like this is one of the greatest gifts the universe can provide. This hits very close to home as one of our family members is going through the same thing and it breaks my heart that we can’t physically be there for him.
Huge hugs and warm thoughts are being sent your way.
Rachel - I’m so very sorry for your loss, for the loss of your dearest love is like a death. I do pray that your heart can be mended in due time. All the love and power in the universe to you!
Nat - Much love to you, my beautiful Sash xxxxx. My heart is also fierce for both yourself and beautiful Bo.
Lise - I’ve been through this, I might not know exactly how you feel right now but I have a pretty good idea. I tortured myself imagining things I should have slotted to the back of my brain. It was absolutely the worst period of my life, I literally felt sick for months.. I thought I would never get over it, but I did. You will too. I know hearing this doesn’t help right now, so please take an internet hug from me. I feel so sad for you, just get through the initial misery, and I promise, things will slowly get better.
janna - My sweet friend, my love is with you at this heartbreaking time, I wish there was Something, anything I could do or say to take away your pain. I will always be here for you if you need me xxxx
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