We’ve been back in reality for a while now. Back in the place where it all happened. Sitting in front of the computer where I first discovered the betrayal, the email that changed my life. Sleeping in the same bed that held so man sleepless nights. Sitting on the chairs out the back, without him. It’s so hard. It’s hard looking at photographs of my husband. It’s hard talking to him. It’s hard seeing him on Skype. It’s hard watching him watch Bo from another place in the world. It’s hard knowing that even though he is hurting, he’s back in his home town, doing what he’s always done. Hanging out with his friends. Surfing. Napping. Playing. He’s living his life, without us, and even though that was my call, it’s still hard.
He says he wants us back. He says he wants to fight for us… but I can no longer believe anything he says. His words fall on my ears and the bile in my gut rises. My walls are up, and I’m very much in self-preservation mode. Protect, protect, protect. For myself and for Bo. It’s hard. Because I love him. It’s hard because when I hear his voice falter on the other end of the line. When I hear his words and I feel his pain, I want to comfort him. But I can’t. Giving him comfort is no longer my responsibility.
Living without the love that I thought I would have for the rest of my life puts a little stain on my every day life. It’s dark and it’s putrid and it’s not something I can shift so easily.There are reminders everywhere. The discarded sandals by the garage door. The folded shirts in my cupboard. The little sparkle in Bo’s eyes when she laughs. They are all his.
There aren’t many hours of the day that I get to think without my mama-hat on. There are few hours I get to myself, just to be with what has happened in my world. What has happened to me. It’s hard to think about it all without first thinking of Bo. Because I always think of her first. She’s always my number one. That’s the beauty of being a mother. That unconditional love that changes us.That makes us selfless. That makes us understand humanity in a way that only a mother can. One who has bore the life of another.
But when I do think about my life in terms of me the person, not me the wife or me the mother, I find am more confused than ever. I used to have the biggest goals and I used to dream the wildest dreams for myself. And now, after a few failed relationships. After being disrespected and downtrodden I seem to have lost my way a bit.
Some of you have emailed asking me how I am. Because I seem to have it all together. I’m surprised I seem that way. Because I do not in any way, shape or form have-it-all-together. I live in a forever shifting mindset. I am forever bouncing between what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here, my inner voice that tells me to grow a pair, harden up and get on with it and my inner adventurer who want is to pack up Bo and I and move to central America, or Africa, or Laos, or backpack through Mongolia… all of which are possible (and some of which are even likely, but not in the next six months). And then it gets to night time, and I’m still in my pajama pants, I’m exhausted, my skins a mess, I have bags hanging down past my chin (and come-on man, don’t I have enough baggage already) and I can’t even remember if I’ve had a chance to shower or not today… and I realise… right now, we are stuck in survival mode. And that has to be OK, cos it’s where I am and even though I feel like I’m not moving forward, at least I’m not moving backward… even though sometimes it feels like I am.
Right now I’m trying to focus on little goals. On building Inked. On being the best mother I can be for my beautiful child. On finishing my Masters degree. On the beauty in our every day life. On healing my bruised soul. On finding peace, even if it is fleeting. I’m trying to focus, but often my vision feels blurred.
I am at a crossroads. I am searching for direction and inspiration and motivation… and I know I’ll find it, somewhere in all this mess… but first, I should probably attempt to find a pair of jeans that is not caked in baby-food and fingerprints…