I got a message from my husband the other day. The message said. I am in the deepest, darkest hole. It’s been an awful few days and I have a sinking feeling that it’s bound to get a lot worse before it gets better. I too am in a deep dark hole. But this isn’t one I dug for myself. This is one I stumbled into, tripping and falling and landing hard in a dark, unfamiliar place. Alone and cold.
In light of recent events I considered shutting the blog down. I considered deleting it. I considered going on an indefinite hiatus. I don’t want this to become a negative space. It has always been a place of growth and discovery and engaged discussions, and I feared that if I let myself be honest that this place could become the deep dark hole that I am sitting in. I don’t want that. That was never what this blog was about.
So, I considered deleting it all. Which would of course be a logistical nightmare, what with all of the sponsors and plans and give-aways and products and… and… and… but more than that… it would be a great loss to me personally. Never the less. I seriously considered shutting it down.
But then the emails began. One after another I have received emails and comments and private messages from women all around the world. women I have never met. Women on every continent in the world. Women sharing their own stories of betrayal. Of pain. Of loss. Women who understand. Women who feel pain for me and for my beautiful child. For our loss. For losing a great love, losing the trust of your greatest love. It is like a death. And to recover, one must truly grieve.
So thank you. Each and every one of you. For your words and your prayers and your love. For your emails and your generosity and the champagne and the chocolate hamper and the kind words and the tears shed for yourselves and for me and for women everywhere.
It’s because of you that this blog will remain. It’s because of you that I find my strength even when I believe there is no strength left inside.
This blog is a record of our journey. My family. My heart. My loves. And even though some of those feelings are displaced right now, the desire to live a full and joyful life is not. Thank you for reminding me that, for keeping me true to who I am underneath this pain and who I will become because of it. I will try to write about things that are joyful and things that are beautiful and moments of clarity and warmth. but I will also write about pain and anger and grief because they are real. They are honest. And those feelings are not mine alone.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Please keep sharing your stories with me for the Christmas break. Our Christmas is not going to be what it was planned. But I love that I have so many beautiful stories from YOU to share. We still have heaps of space for more. And more. And more.