Forgiveness.

PIN IT

photo of Bo and I in the National Park at Noosa Heads by Cassie

Forgiveness is something that I’ve been thinking about more and more as I try to come to terms with the reality of our situation. Of the long road that is ahead of me. Of the reality of a life as a single parent… of the reality of his choices. I’m trying to come to terms with all of it. And I think to come to terms with it all I must learn forgiveness. Not just of him (though that is a place I must come to, for my sake, for Bo’s too) but more so I must learn to forgive myself.

If you have read any of Pema Chodron’s works you will probably be familiar with this quote, one that has been playing on my mind recently. One that I roll around my tongue and whisper in the night. One that is helping me find the motivation to look deeper. To stop looking to my husband for my peace. But to start looking to myself. To find peace within, so that I can move forward.

The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves

If you are not familiar with her works. Maybe you should be. She is quite a phenomenal woman and has a most beautiful approach to life and love and loss and pain.

For a very compassionate and open minded person I find it very hard to forgive. I do not forgive easily and I have been known to hold a wicked grudge in my time. But that needs to change. I need to change because being stagnant in a place of pain is not a healthy way to move forward. It’s not what I want to teach my daughter. It’s not how I want her to think she needs to be. I dont want her to dwell on her hurt, I want her to rejoice in her life. Shit things happen, to all of us, much more often than we would like. And as much as it pains me to thnk about it, shit things will happen to her too. I’d rather she was able to look at those shit things and heal herself. Find her happy again and move forward instead of dwelling, holding grudges and hating on the person who dealt her that card. People are just people after all.

It takes a strong person to say sorry and back that apology up with change, it takes a stronger person to forgive them. As I sit here today, my little girl sleeping in the warm afternoon sun at my side. I think about all of things that I need to apologise for, to myself. Because I am, truly sorry, that I put myself in the position that I am today. That choices I made got me here. That I allowed myself to be hurt and to be betrayed and to become lost. I’m sorry I forgot myself in amongst all of the hard work and tears and fighting for the relationship… I lost myself. I am sorry for all of that. I am sorry for the parts of this that are my doing.

Hopefully soon I’ll be brave enough to forgive myself. Forgive but never forget.

Then maybe I can learn to forgive him too. Not take him back. Not allow him to make empty promises for change. But forgive him for his mistakes and for being careless with my heart. Because only then will we truly be free.

If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…

Sing it sista. Excuse me whilst I go and deal with this old arrow sticking out of my heart and get on with my life.

Do you forgive easily? What helps you find that inner peace during lifes tumultuous times?

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  • March 27, 2013 - 4:36 am

    Lilybett - I find laughter helps. I don’t think it necessarily leads to inner peace in and of itself, but I feel it puts me in a better place, with a somewhat lighter load, to start the journey towards peace.ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:35 am

      Sash - Totally. Laughter is the best medicine… A good laugh definitely leaves me lighter too. xReplyCancel

  • March 27, 2013 - 5:54 am

    J - All my past relationships, they were slathered with lies and cheating and infidelity.
    After talking to my best friend about the last disloyal ex and how I felt like I was in an abyss, she (with all her brightness and strength and beauty) sent me a book by Pema Chodron: “When Things Fall Apart”. I have read half of it and have yet to finish it. It’s a hard book to understand but I do find that the words are very touching.
    Someone really special to me also gave me a book “The Secret”. I’ve read it once and I’m on my way to reading it a second time. Amazing book. I highly recommend it 🙂

    You’re a wonderful person and I admire your amazingness!ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:35 am

      Sash - I haven’t read it but I’ll have a look at it! Thanks J. xx You deserve a lot more than all that negativity… nothing worse that lies. xxReplyCancel

  • March 27, 2013 - 8:13 am

    Triana - my husband and i separated for 8 months for a million reasons, but the separation turned really sour a month in after i found out he was pursuing someone else.

    it took a lot of time to stop blaming him and victimizing myself. i had a lot of guilt in the situation too.
    today we are together and all is well (or as well as it can be considering love is a fruit you grow and tend to). But sometimes when i’m feeling vulnerable, the memory comes back and the scar from where that “arrow” pierced my heart starts to ache.

    it takes a lot of time and effort to heal. letting the good parts of life without your husband wrap around the pain and heal it. laughter, sunshine, warm smells and times with good people in your life and your little Bo. one day that scar will heal and all it will be is a memory of a sour moment in your life. what will stand out are all the great moments in life that followed that dark time.

    good luck to you in your fight for forgiveness.ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:34 am

      Sash - I’m glad you are back together. That I think is the best result in many cases. I wish for that myself. It can’t be easy though. I think forgiveness for that kind of thing is something that you have to find daily… I dont think there is a forever-fix for betrayal. xxReplyCancel

  • March 27, 2013 - 9:50 am

    Lila Wolff - I don’t so much forgive as accept and release. I’m still learning to be better at that.ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:32 am

      Sash - Release is definitely the key isn’t it… now how to do that… 😉ReplyCancel

  • March 27, 2013 - 11:09 am

    Sarah - Forgiveness is something I fall in and out of with my ex-husband…which perhaps means I am far from mastering it. I feel some days I’m there and then something will happen and I’m back in the black hole of endless thoughts about the hurt that was caused.

    I think forgiveness and letting go could be easier if we weren’t in each other’s lives raising our son, the precious gift of our relationship. The time and space to heal goes a long way to giving up some of the pain but to see each other each week is a trigger that at times feels too big to bear.

    I’m a work in progress on my single mama journey.ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:32 am

      Sash - You and me both, Sarah! xReplyCancel

  • March 27, 2013 - 6:42 pm

    Desiree - I find it very very hard to forgive someone who has hurt me. To be honest, six years later, I am still working on it. I hope you find the strength to do what makes you feel good. I am still working on finding inner peace. Just when I think I have, something brings me back to the turmoil. It is a work in progress for me. I personally think I need a change in scenery. It doesn’t help that my surroundings are a constant reminder of the hurt I’ve felt. A change would be good. Good luck to you!ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:33 am

      Sash - What’s stopping you from making the change you need to give you peace? xx Hopefully you’ll find your way too soon. xoReplyCancel

  • March 28, 2013 - 2:09 am

    Josie (@ohyoupretties) - I think it’s easier to forgive than to accept in some ways. Not necessarily for the other person but for yourself. Just discovered Pema Chodron, have you read The Compassionate Mind? A great book on compassion funnily enough, it’s helped me loads 🙂ReplyCancel

    • March 28, 2013 - 8:31 am

      Sash - I haven’t, but I’ll look it up. I find this kind of acceptance very difficult as well, I think it comes down to having someone else taking away something you thought you had… to accept that, well, that’s hard. But to forgive it? I guess when I walk in their shoes, I can start down the road of forgiveness… but for me, I dont know if I’ll ever really be able to accept that it was ok.ReplyCancel

  • March 28, 2013 - 9:07 am

    Katy - Forgiveness in general comes easily for me, but too easily. Almost to the point of being naive at times. I am so impressed with how you seem to be handling such a hard situation to be thrown into. I don’t know if I would be so clear headed. XoxoReplyCancel

  • April 11, 2013 - 3:46 pm

    kennethleongh - I read what you wrote on forgiveness and I thought its very insightful and made me think about the people that I have forgiven in my life and the people i need to forgive. I also like your quote on never forgetting. I think that is equally as important.ReplyCancel

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