Forgiveness is something that I’ve been thinking about more and more as I try to come to terms with the reality of our situation. Of the long road that is ahead of me. Of the reality of a life as a single parent… of the reality of his choices. I’m trying to come to terms with all of it. And I think to come to terms with it all I must learn forgiveness. Not just of him (though that is a place I must come to, for my sake, for Bo’s too) but more so I must learn to forgive myself.
If you have read any of Pema Chodron’s works you will probably be familiar with this quote, one that has been playing on my mind recently. One that I roll around my tongue and whisper in the night. One that is helping me find the motivation to look deeper. To stop looking to my husband for my peace. But to start looking to myself. To find peace within, so that I can move forward.
The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves
If you are not familiar with her works. Maybe you should be. She is quite a phenomenal woman and has a most beautiful approach to life and love and loss and pain.
For a very compassionate and open minded person I find it very hard to forgive. I do not forgive easily and I have been known to hold a wicked grudge in my time. But that needs to change. I need to change because being stagnant in a place of pain is not a healthy way to move forward. It’s not what I want to teach my daughter. It’s not how I want her to think she needs to be. I dont want her to dwell on her hurt, I want her to rejoice in her life. Shit things happen, to all of us, much more often than we would like. And as much as it pains me to thnk about it, shit things will happen to her too. I’d rather she was able to look at those shit things and heal herself. Find her happy again and move forward instead of dwelling, holding grudges and hating on the person who dealt her that card. People are just people after all.
It takes a strong person to say sorry and back that apology up with change, it takes a stronger person to forgive them. As I sit here today, my little girl sleeping in the warm afternoon sun at my side. I think about all of things that I need to apologise for, to myself. Because I am, truly sorry, that I put myself in the position that I am today. That choices I made got me here. That I allowed myself to be hurt and to be betrayed and to become lost. I’m sorry I forgot myself in amongst all of the hard work and tears and fighting for the relationship… I lost myself. I am sorry for all of that. I am sorry for the parts of this that are my doing.
Hopefully soon I’ll be brave enough to forgive myself. Forgive but never forget.
Then maybe I can learn to forgive him too. Not take him back. Not allow him to make empty promises for change. But forgive him for his mistakes and for being careless with my heart. Because only then will we truly be free.
If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…
Sing it sista. Excuse me whilst I go and deal with this old arrow sticking out of my heart and get on with my life.
Do you forgive easily? What helps you find that inner peace during lifes tumultuous times?