The funny thing about those moments is I’m not even aware I’m in them, until they are gone. Lost in dreams and thoughts of people I love (or have loved), stories I have lived (or wish I could live), moments in time, some that exist in only a memory and others that exist only in my dreams. Moments of lost children and lost lovers. Moments of sweat and laughter and realised dreams. Moments where the world seems simpler, and the world makes sense, if only for a moment.
I used to daydream a lot. It was the time when I came up with the ideas that fed my writing. The ideas that filled boxes and boxes of notebooks that now sit in a big plastic crate under my desk.
I received some difficult news last week, news of a visit that is undoubtedly going to be very uncomfortable and difficult for me, but one I’m going to have to face with strength and calm. Not long after the news I was standing in a news-agency picking up a card for work, a group gift to my boss who is getting married. I was flicking through cards trying to choose the one that would encompass what we as an office would want to say to the couple on their wedding day… I stood reading prose dripping with sweetness, covered in lace and letters curled into love hearts. I stood with my divorce paperwork folded under my arm and bittersweet memories in my heart.
So, I just stood. And allowed myself to drift into a daydream. A dream of a world where life was simpler, and for just a moment I let go.
I used to write stories about other peoples lives. Fiction injected with the soul my daydreams. Now I write about life. It turns out life is more strange and complicated than those daydreams ever where. Multi-layered and full of questions that will probably never be answered. I often find myself overcome by just how big it all is, life. Overrun by exhaustion and emotional fragility. Overwhelmed by responsibility and love for someone so small. Full of hope and inspiration and at the same time held back by my own insecurities.
And when that happens, sometimes, I allow myself the luxury to slip away… for just a moment, into the land of the dreams.