Coming home…

We arrived home yesterday afternoon. It was a strange sensation coming back to this house. This halfway house, halfway between here and there. Halfway now between before and the unknown direction of the future. Halfway through our family. One less person. More space in the cupboard than there was meant to be… Less hands to help us, hold us. Most of the day I feel OK. I think having a ten month old keeps you so busy that it’s like I often forget what has happened to us. I just immerse myself in what the day brings us… but then there are moments when I remember… and the lump in my throat returns, the anger, the grief, the pain returns. And it’s as if the whole world crashes down all over again.

A very dear friend “said” to me (via the glory that is social media) “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” And I’ve tried to remind myself of that in moments where I get stuck in the broken record of my mind. Reminding myself of past events and how my memories are lies. How that time when that happened… and he said he loved me… that he didn’t. He was lying. When I get stuck in his words, stuck in the sting of being told that the one you love, doesn’t love you. Don’t look back, you’re not going that way…

This morning we woke up in our own bed for the first time in nearly three weeks. It was a good feeling to know where we were and to know that today was ours. No one elses agenda was in play. We started the day with the sun, which is painfully early at the moment and we were at the beach not long after 5am. Sand between our toes, wind in our hair, fresh crisp morning air. It wasn’t long before the heat of the Australian sun drew the freshness away, cloaking it in damp, hot humidity.

There is so much peace to be found at the beach, even with a shrieking baby by your side. There is something about the large expanse of the ocean laying ahead of me, the horizon, the rolling waves… that just reminds me that even though my problems feel massive to me… I am just a little tiny speck on the face of this beautiful planet, and that helps me find perspective, even if just for a moment.

As tomorrows light brings with it a fresh new day, I will be back here, at the beach, babe by my side. In peace.Trying to find a way forward… Trying to find direction… But mostly just existing, right here, right now with the little person that I created, with the love that I have for her and the deep respect I have for the duty that I have to her, to giving her the patience and the love and the freedom that she needs… because at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.


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  • January 6, 2013 - 7:03 pm

    Lila Wolff - Sash, I haven’t known what to say until now. I know what it’s like and while it might seem that you are taking the harder road now my experience says different. I stayed for 10 years with one who cheated on me, on reflection trying to win back his love, it was a terrible hard path and one I’m so glad I eventually stepped off. No matter what you do you are loved and worthy of someone who would never injure you in that way. By taking the road you are on now you are teaching Bo self worth, love and respect, you are teaching her what she deserves when she grows and searches for her partner. It will get better and quicker than if you took another direction. Please feel free to contact me if there’s anything that I can do.ReplyCancel

  • January 6, 2013 - 7:13 pm

    Laura - It’s nice to know other people are going through a similar thing.
    My fiancée left me in October.
    But oddly, I am OK.
    Sure there are moments, but your friend is right.
    Don’t look back.

    Thanks Sash.
    We will be ok!

    BTW, you have mentioned having a group of online friends who have helped.
    Where would I find a group like this?ReplyCancel

  • January 6, 2013 - 7:49 pm

    Vickie van der Linden - you are already on the right track…………………….<3ReplyCancel

  • January 6, 2013 - 9:24 pm

    Heather - “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” Someone said that to me last week while my dad was getting sicker, and I keep telling myself to just put one foot in front of the other. Love from the US.ReplyCancel

  • January 6, 2013 - 10:03 pm

    Erica - You are stronger than I.ReplyCancel

  • January 7, 2013 - 1:49 am

    Adam Share - It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. You should be very proud of yourself. I am a Daddy to 3 little Princesses and they are the only thing that keeps me going some days. I wish you all the best. Happy New Year
    P.s Lovely pics.ReplyCancel

  • January 7, 2013 - 6:49 am

    Rachel - Just look at that walking baby! Beautiful photos as always and a beautiful start to your new life with Bo xReplyCancel

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